Did everyone have a nice Sunday? The night's are drawing in now and our clocks go back an hour as of next weekend so another hour of darkness blah! I need to get me a UV lamp for the next 5 months of winter!
I am now on the cusp of entering my fourth year of maintenance. Four years of being fitter and healthier, the memories of my fat body are edging away as each days passes. I will never ever forget the old me, how can I? I cannot deny the past and that unhappy, fat person certainly made an impact on me that will stay with me forever. She shaped who I am today. I am grateful to her in so many ways, despite that fat girl being depressive and sometimes victimised, she kept her dignity throughout and rarely dragged herself down to the level where her tormentors sat.
When I was at my largest, I spent a lot of time dreaming about being slimmer. The envy I felt of smaller people was suffocating at times. I would have done anything to have a fairy god mother wave a magic wand and remove the lard from my heavily laden physique.
There was no great escape from the chunk immediately, not even Harry Houdini could have staged such an impossible feat. But that unrelenting thought followed me everywhere, what a release and relief it would be to look and feel slimmer. What would it feel like? Would it really change my life? How would I look? I clung onto that dream throughout, only when I realised that my destiny was fully in my own hands did I finally do something about it. I knew that pills, shakes, starvation were not going to work. This time I would do it the right way, I owed my body that.
So the journey continues and will for the rest of my days. They sat that an ex smoker or drinker will always be an ex smoker and drinker, the vulnerability of returning to that vice is so much more heightened when you have that dependency before. It is no different with food.
Instead of being that fat girl looking ahead and wondering how it would feel to be slim, I am now that slimmer girl looking back and remembering what it felt like to be fat. As I started seriously with this blog (a work in progress whose words were first penned 4 years ago) I was forced to face up to my fat existence again. By making my journey public, I have moved forward with the emotional recovery even moreso. And it is recovery, I have been so preoccupied with the physical aspects of my dramatic loss that I have neglected to heal myself from the trials I have put my head through. My mind has been chock a block with self deprication, taunts, shame, determination, endurance...
Sounds heavy right? It is not meant to be, I have reaped so many rewards from this process but there are things I have not addressed, emotional barriers that I am finally crossing and the candidness I share with you here is assisting greatly with this.
Please may I introduce you to the old me...
My work colleagues have only known me as I am now, they know no different. I have outlined my weight loss to a couple of them but it is not common knowledge. Up until now, part of me felt that the fat person I once was is not someone I wanted to introduce them to. What would that achieve? They know me for who I am now and that is it. Perhaps I was ashamed of who I was, perhaps I was fearful that they would judge me because I allowed my weight to get so out of control? I am the same person I was then; had you put me in a room with them 6 years ago I still would have had my humour, adeptness at talking nonsense, ability to listen and share. The only difference now is I carry myself differently, confidence is transforming.
Perhaps I simply didn't tell them before because I felt like I would appear to be drawing attention to myself.
The other day and for the first time, I shared my fat picture with them. Understandably, they were shocked. My good friend even asked, 'who is that ?' initially.
I enlightened them to a synopsis of my story, their mouths were agog as I furnished them with the weight loss statistics. Hearing myself go over the numbers, I realise it does sound pretty crazy. Most of them reacted with things like, 'I would never have thought it','You look so much better, do you feel different?', 'What made you gain so much weight?' That last one is tricky to answer. Over eating and laziness are the most obvious answers but there was a lot more to it than that. it encompassed a very stressful, family related problem that saw me seek solace in the destructive hold of a food obsession that was over whelming.
So my secret is out! :) Telling them was a huge step for me, being able to comfortably go over what I have managed to achieve is rather liberating. I do feel like I have overcome a hurdle by sharing it with my work mates. Equally, I have found writing this blog very therapeutic and each entry is another small piece of the old me healing.
What are you trying to say?
You often hear people who do lose weight saying that they receive compliments from those around them who have noticed the change. It is always lovely to get a compliment and they should be embraced. What I have noticed some observationists say is 'Oh you look so much better' and similar comments. Without them meaning it to be, this is a bit of a back handed compliment don't you think? Were you insinuating I was rough before? Perhaps I am being over sensitive. In fact, I don't think that is a perhaps, it is a certainty!
Nevertheless, who wouldn't comment on such a physical change? I have looked on various weight loss/ support forums and seen some incredible before and after pictures. I love seeing other people's achievements and I think I have a special understanding and kinship with anyone who has had to battle the demons I have.
Here's to us! The people out there who REALLY know what it is like to suffer at the hands of obesity
Rainy xxx
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