Following on from my rather serious yet frank last post , I happened across a spontaneous date last night. This chap is from my online pursuit, internet dating is alive and well. We have been in contact for a couple of weeks now and randomly suggested meeting. Cool! I don't do planning so, already, brownie points totting up with a 'ding ding!'
He has proven himself by writing some well constructed, interesting sentences so I was more than happy to meet up. Considering that 99.9% of the messages I receive on there contain 2 or 3 words of a non extensive repertoire such as , 'hi gorgeous' or 'how are you?' , the boy did good.
Interestingly, he referred to me as brave for meeting him in the pub. I found this statement insightful and pointed out to him that I did not see it as brave. I suppose, on reflection, he was probably insinuating that he could be any type of lunatic, which is fair point but then I also pointed out that I had a machete in the boot and pepper spray in my pocket!!!!
Dating is rather fascinating to me, we decided willingly to meet a complete stranger at a neutral location, with the sole purpose of scoping them out for potential partnerdom. An interesting social experiment don't you think? It invariably follows a similar path, each date plays out similarly in
many ways. You harbour a certain amount of nerves leading up to the date itself, a multitude of questions darting around your head, 'will I fancy them?', 'will they bore the crap out of me?', 'How do I get out of it if I decide not to stay?'
Normally it is good to have a friend on stand by, just in case they are required to make an urgent phone call to you. I also have an application on my phone that rings it, an auto generated voice will then sound out , pregnant pauses available for me to interject as if I am holding a conversation with someone. Only flaw with that one is that it is an American app and so a) sounds cheesy b)fake c) it sounds like a scape goat app on my phone!!
Luckily last night, there was no requirement for any get out clause. Phew! We had a nice chat after any initial awkwardness which is inevitable.
There was a couple sitting near us, being all smoochy and I was mindful of the fact that it was fairly plain to see that this chap and I had never met before. I bet they twigged that we had met in cyber space, funny :)
So just a short one but my Monday evening was certainly more varied than normal.
Just for the record, I will be seeing aforementioned date again :)
R xx
Tuesday 22 November 2011
Monday 21 November 2011
What's love got to do with it?
In the words of Miss Turner herself, I pose this question. Tonight I want to....correction, NEED to write. It is a fantastic outlet when you have to get something off your chest and I have always used it as a useful coping mechanism historically. I do apologise if this comes across as mildly narcissistic but I thought , 'well I want to write and I need to vent, so why not use my blog and a public arena to do it!'
The majority of posts on here relate to weight loss, which consolidates the title of my blog but a break from the norm is required. I wanted to talk about the subject of love, amore; that universal language that represents peace and unity, unconditional care and affection for another human being.
Romantic love has always evaded me up until recently, an unknown emotion that others seem to have experience with, I am merely a beginner. The word love means different things to different people; perhaps the way a person hair falls over their eyes, the way a partner laughs uncontrollably at witty things you say. It also has the potential to be the most potent and intoxicating emotion we can experience. A deep, understood connection that two people share. It can be both nurturing or destructive, euphoric or despairing.
Argh? This is far removed from any
other post thus far but something I have been mulling just recently.
Background (and keeping an epic long story short) I started seeing a man last year and someone I had known for a long time previously, although not well. It was hardly love at first sight, although does that exist? Physically I could not ignore him. We got on and stayed in contact via email as he moved around quite a bit. An opportunity arose for us to hang out one long weekend and we had one of the most memorable times I have ever had. Something just clicked. I cannot even begin to describe it, he certainly managed to infiltrate a part of my heart that had been vacant previously. Circumstance s being as they were, we could not be together but I got home and had this heady, glorious feeling inside of me. Butterflies in the tummy, a warm glow radiated from me and it was all down to him. The feeling was fantastic, a runaway stream of happiness.
So 18 months on and we have not seen one another since. We remain
in contact at times but it is fleeting and superficial. As this is a public arena I do not want to bog this post down with detail but, essentially, my feelings are not reciprocated; a dagger rips through my heart every time he contacts me. Despite the fact said man and I have not spent much time together, I can categorically say that I am in love with him, there is no melodrama involved here. Head over heels, Truly, madly, deeply. Ordinarily I am adept at keeping my emotions in check and can even appear as a little cold. Control! Up until the age 31 I don't think I had ever experienced what being in love felt like.
For me, it has caused distress, turmoil and perplexity for the most part although embers of that initial fire between us smoulder
on occasionally. Those first few days of euphoria have been replaced by the reality that he simply does not want me anymore. I think about him everyday, as some point or another and wish things could be different. I know I am flogging a dead horse but there is that small part of you that holds out hope. A tenuous, unrealised hope that will ultimately lead me back to the same road, a road without him.
How do you conquer your feelings? It is not so easy. Try as you might, love will constantly pull you back to when
things were good. You remain deluded by your own misconceptions. I know I cannot have this chap, I realise he is unattainable but I still cling on almost; little Miss poker face has finally
been breached !
Is it a chemical reaction to another person we tap into? Some invisible force that coaxes two people together? I wish I truly knew what chemistry really means but I do know one thing; when it's good, it's really really good. When it is bad it is rubbish!
Either way, I am going to stop writing about the L word. Perhaps you have experienced the same? Either been on the receiving end of the unrequited variety or been the object of someones affection? It can be mighty painful!
Rainy xx
The majority of posts on here relate to weight loss, which consolidates the title of my blog but a break from the norm is required. I wanted to talk about the subject of love, amore; that universal language that represents peace and unity, unconditional care and affection for another human being.
Romantic love has always evaded me up until recently, an unknown emotion that others seem to have experience with, I am merely a beginner. The word love means different things to different people; perhaps the way a person hair falls over their eyes, the way a partner laughs uncontrollably at witty things you say. It also has the potential to be the most potent and intoxicating emotion we can experience. A deep, understood connection that two people share. It can be both nurturing or destructive, euphoric or despairing.
Argh? This is far removed from any
other post thus far but something I have been mulling just recently.
Background (and keeping an epic long story short) I started seeing a man last year and someone I had known for a long time previously, although not well. It was hardly love at first sight, although does that exist? Physically I could not ignore him. We got on and stayed in contact via email as he moved around quite a bit. An opportunity arose for us to hang out one long weekend and we had one of the most memorable times I have ever had. Something just clicked. I cannot even begin to describe it, he certainly managed to infiltrate a part of my heart that had been vacant previously. Circumstance s being as they were, we could not be together but I got home and had this heady, glorious feeling inside of me. Butterflies in the tummy, a warm glow radiated from me and it was all down to him. The feeling was fantastic, a runaway stream of happiness.
So 18 months on and we have not seen one another since. We remain
in contact at times but it is fleeting and superficial. As this is a public arena I do not want to bog this post down with detail but, essentially, my feelings are not reciprocated; a dagger rips through my heart every time he contacts me. Despite the fact said man and I have not spent much time together, I can categorically say that I am in love with him, there is no melodrama involved here. Head over heels, Truly, madly, deeply. Ordinarily I am adept at keeping my emotions in check and can even appear as a little cold. Control! Up until the age 31 I don't think I had ever experienced what being in love felt like.
For me, it has caused distress, turmoil and perplexity for the most part although embers of that initial fire between us smoulder
on occasionally. Those first few days of euphoria have been replaced by the reality that he simply does not want me anymore. I think about him everyday, as some point or another and wish things could be different. I know I am flogging a dead horse but there is that small part of you that holds out hope. A tenuous, unrealised hope that will ultimately lead me back to the same road, a road without him.
How do you conquer your feelings? It is not so easy. Try as you might, love will constantly pull you back to when
things were good. You remain deluded by your own misconceptions. I know I cannot have this chap, I realise he is unattainable but I still cling on almost; little Miss poker face has finally
been breached !
Is it a chemical reaction to another person we tap into? Some invisible force that coaxes two people together? I wish I truly knew what chemistry really means but I do know one thing; when it's good, it's really really good. When it is bad it is rubbish!
Either way, I am going to stop writing about the L word. Perhaps you have experienced the same? Either been on the receiving end of the unrequited variety or been the object of someones affection? It can be mighty painful!
Rainy xx
Tuesday 15 November 2011
Are you looking at me?
When I was fat, I was deemed unacceptable in societies distorted view of what is considered 'normal.' Fat people ARE stared at, whether it is right or wrong is beside the point. It almost seems like a disfigurement to some, the large bodies some of us carry around are viewed as a physical flaw.
This makes me angry for 2 reasons. One there is such a thing called free will. Most of us live in a free society and so the way we choose to dress or look should be encompassed within that. My second reason is that no one has the right to belittle or demean another. Should we choose to ask someones opinion then we will but offering up comments and observations that are guaranteed to hurt and offend is unacceptable and cruel.
Being noticed but wanting to fade into the background
Despite the fact I am now the size I am, I still get angry when people acknowledge the way I look. I do get compliments but these people may as well be saying 'oh you look so much better now'; is an inadvertent slap in the face for the old me. Great, so now I look much better and have a figure so, all of a sudden, I am more of an attractive prospect and worthy of attention? I can 100% guarantee that these men who comment now would not have given me a second glance this time 5 years ago. It makes me angry! I hope I am not coming across as bitter as I am not really, this post was spurned by reading an article about a chap who is now the most 'in demand' Brad Pitt look a like. A few years ago he was morbidly obese and unhealthy. He decided, as I did, that it was make or break. He went with make.
During the interview he pertains to what I have already tried to relate, saying "I felt angry that people were focusing so much on my looks, rather than the person I was inside. I've been the fat guy who nobody wanted to talk to. I used to walk into a room and everyone stopped and stared....I felt angry at society for being so shallow when I lost the weight. Even now, when I look in the mirror I still see the fat guy I once was. I think in my mind I'll always be that guy."
This paragraph is so poignant to me, he encapsulated the matter at hand very succinctly. Society is vain. He is still the same person, it's just the packaging has changed. Going from being snubbed by society to have it embrace you is a hard transition and one that has posed the most trouble in my mind. How dare people pick and choose how to treat me, based solely on the way I look. But it is part of the human condition, we are naturally programmed to accept slim as attractive. On a very primal but superficial level it denotes a person has virility, health and self respect.
I have been privvy to weight related bullying just recently, ordinarily I try to avoid conflict but I have absolutely no qualms in confronting it if I feel someone around me is being scrutinised about their weight. It really does stab me through the heart when I see or hear it happen, the empathy and understanding I have is deep seeded
Are they really that shallow?
There is certainly no danger of me getting a big head. Any time someone comments or shows some attention, I am thrust back into the bigger me. Oh how those comments would have been different had we been in the same situation 5 years ago. I still find myself shy away and avoid eye contact, compliments can be hard to take on board when you have spent so many years giving yourself a hard time and hating what you had become. Perhaps I should embrace it more? Perhaps I have a chip on my shoulder (and not an edible one) that is preventing me from meeting someone? I do know I question mens intentions with me now and the type of man I have attracted post weight loss has not done me any justice.
My mum said something interesting the other week. We were watching yet another weight loss based programme on TV and the conversation, invariably, harps back to my own experiences. She outlined that, had I not lost the weight, she thinks I would probably be settled and happy now. I found this both an insightful and jarring comment.
Massive weight loss does change you in some ways, not so much your personality but your view and perspective on the bigger picture. I think my experiences post weight loss have opened my eyes to a rather disappointing and vain world. The number of married men who have hit on me is into double figures. I know there are committed and faithful fellas out there but their compadres leave a lot to be desired. I am a single, thirty something female who, on the face of it, never had a weight issue and has always looked the way I do now. Wrong! I am thankful for the bumpy journey I have had, I feel it has made me a more rounded individual.
This post is proving to be quite negative but I want to convey how it is in my mind.
Anyone reading this who is either starting their own journey, in the midst of losing weight or nearing their goal remember one thing. Do it for yourself, no body else. Society will always judge us but this whole journey is about YOU. Bettering your health, your confidence and your self perception is the name of the game. If you keep those things in mind, you will most definitely succeed.
Rainy xx
.
This makes me angry for 2 reasons. One there is such a thing called free will. Most of us live in a free society and so the way we choose to dress or look should be encompassed within that. My second reason is that no one has the right to belittle or demean another. Should we choose to ask someones opinion then we will but offering up comments and observations that are guaranteed to hurt and offend is unacceptable and cruel.
Being noticed but wanting to fade into the background
Despite the fact I am now the size I am, I still get angry when people acknowledge the way I look. I do get compliments but these people may as well be saying 'oh you look so much better now'; is an inadvertent slap in the face for the old me. Great, so now I look much better and have a figure so, all of a sudden, I am more of an attractive prospect and worthy of attention? I can 100% guarantee that these men who comment now would not have given me a second glance this time 5 years ago. It makes me angry! I hope I am not coming across as bitter as I am not really, this post was spurned by reading an article about a chap who is now the most 'in demand' Brad Pitt look a like. A few years ago he was morbidly obese and unhealthy. He decided, as I did, that it was make or break. He went with make.
During the interview he pertains to what I have already tried to relate, saying "I felt angry that people were focusing so much on my looks, rather than the person I was inside. I've been the fat guy who nobody wanted to talk to. I used to walk into a room and everyone stopped and stared....I felt angry at society for being so shallow when I lost the weight. Even now, when I look in the mirror I still see the fat guy I once was. I think in my mind I'll always be that guy."
This paragraph is so poignant to me, he encapsulated the matter at hand very succinctly. Society is vain. He is still the same person, it's just the packaging has changed. Going from being snubbed by society to have it embrace you is a hard transition and one that has posed the most trouble in my mind. How dare people pick and choose how to treat me, based solely on the way I look. But it is part of the human condition, we are naturally programmed to accept slim as attractive. On a very primal but superficial level it denotes a person has virility, health and self respect.
I have been privvy to weight related bullying just recently, ordinarily I try to avoid conflict but I have absolutely no qualms in confronting it if I feel someone around me is being scrutinised about their weight. It really does stab me through the heart when I see or hear it happen, the empathy and understanding I have is deep seeded
Are they really that shallow?
There is certainly no danger of me getting a big head. Any time someone comments or shows some attention, I am thrust back into the bigger me. Oh how those comments would have been different had we been in the same situation 5 years ago. I still find myself shy away and avoid eye contact, compliments can be hard to take on board when you have spent so many years giving yourself a hard time and hating what you had become. Perhaps I should embrace it more? Perhaps I have a chip on my shoulder (and not an edible one) that is preventing me from meeting someone? I do know I question mens intentions with me now and the type of man I have attracted post weight loss has not done me any justice.
My mum said something interesting the other week. We were watching yet another weight loss based programme on TV and the conversation, invariably, harps back to my own experiences. She outlined that, had I not lost the weight, she thinks I would probably be settled and happy now. I found this both an insightful and jarring comment.
Massive weight loss does change you in some ways, not so much your personality but your view and perspective on the bigger picture. I think my experiences post weight loss have opened my eyes to a rather disappointing and vain world. The number of married men who have hit on me is into double figures. I know there are committed and faithful fellas out there but their compadres leave a lot to be desired. I am a single, thirty something female who, on the face of it, never had a weight issue and has always looked the way I do now. Wrong! I am thankful for the bumpy journey I have had, I feel it has made me a more rounded individual.
This post is proving to be quite negative but I want to convey how it is in my mind.
Anyone reading this who is either starting their own journey, in the midst of losing weight or nearing their goal remember one thing. Do it for yourself, no body else. Society will always judge us but this whole journey is about YOU. Bettering your health, your confidence and your self perception is the name of the game. If you keep those things in mind, you will most definitely succeed.
Rainy xx
.
Monday 14 November 2011
Core strength - highly underrated
I am a big advocate for keeping the core strong. The core incorporates not only you abdominal muscles in your tummy (upper and lower) but also your obliques (muscles at the sides) and your lower back muscle groups.
I have worked on my core throughout my weight loss, even when I started out at 300 pounds as I realised how crucial it would be to obtaining the shape I wanted.
My waist measurement started at around the 40" mark (give or take an inch here or there) and, dare I say it, I have always had a 'smaller' waist. When you compare that to my hip width at my biggest, which was around 55", I guess you can see what I mean in terms of the ratios! Now my waist sits at 25" and I put that 14" reduction completely down to the core training I have implemented over the last few years (assisted with the 25% reduction in body fat!)
Admittedly, the results are not immediate and you will likely have to train your core a little while before you see any visual effects but stick with it.
A strong core not only improves your overall posture but it shrinks your waist and enables you to exercise more efficiently. In most cases and with people who do not regularly exercise their core, there is often an imbalance between lower back and abdominal strength. The core muscles are a notoriously hard group of muscles to target but here, I want to share with you how I have done it.
I do a minimum of 100 full sit ups a day, does that sound a lot? Not really, especially since it only takes 1 minute to do a set of 50. That is 2 minutes out of my day and it is perfect timing when you are sitting on the couch, watching TV. Why not continue to watch but get down on the floor and do a set? You could soon tot up a few hundred a week.
I also do core work whilst I train on any circuit session (which I outlined in a previous post.)
There is no quick fix when it comes to exercising and toning your core. I see adverts for machines that are supposed to send an electrical pulse to your core muscles through a belt you wear around your waist. The small and frequent electrical transmissions are purported to stimulate the muscles, fooling them into thinking that your are exercising them. I don't doubt there are benefits to doing this but it cannot replicate the results you get from honest, gutsy training.
Full sit ups aren't for everyone and need to be done properly, otherwise you run the risk of damaging your back and neck. I do the full set as I trained as a kick boxer for 18 months and my Sensai was very keen on core work. After a 2 hour, gruelling training session we would warm down with 1000 core exercises. That is extreme and part and parcel of the training but my short time as a kick boxer assisted me with habits I have kept going.
Crunches are just as effective and there are a whole range you can do that target the upper and lower abdominal muscle groups and obliques. I wanted to share this link with you
http://sportsmedicine.about.com/od/abdominalcorestrength1/a/NewCore.htm
This contains some brilliant information pertaining to what I have touched on in this post, plus it outlines the variety of exercises you can try.
Why not test it?
One great test for core strength is 'the plank'. You may have heard of this and it is a popular yoga move.
Lie face down on the floor to start. Make sure you have some way of timing yourself prior to assuming the correct position.
When you are ready, raise your self up so your toes are supporting your lower body and you are resting on your fore arms, face down. Make sure your arms are in a comfortable position. Ensure your back is following as straight a line as possible in terms of your spine and don't allow your tummy to sink. You hold this position for as long as you can. It is widely accepted that anyone who can hold this for 2+ minutes can be considered to own an acceptably strong, supportive core.
As you hold 'the plank' position, you will notice that, as time passes, your core will start to tremble. Stick with it!
The plank is excellent strength training in itself and forms part of a group of exercises known as callisthenics. This essentially comprises movement where you are utilising your own body and weight to train.
So next time you are watching TV, consider the amount of time it would take (a few minutes at most) to get down and do some sets of crunches.
I promise, you will LOVE the results.
Rainy xx
I have worked on my core throughout my weight loss, even when I started out at 300 pounds as I realised how crucial it would be to obtaining the shape I wanted.
My waist measurement started at around the 40" mark (give or take an inch here or there) and, dare I say it, I have always had a 'smaller' waist. When you compare that to my hip width at my biggest, which was around 55", I guess you can see what I mean in terms of the ratios! Now my waist sits at 25" and I put that 14" reduction completely down to the core training I have implemented over the last few years (assisted with the 25% reduction in body fat!)
Admittedly, the results are not immediate and you will likely have to train your core a little while before you see any visual effects but stick with it.
A strong core not only improves your overall posture but it shrinks your waist and enables you to exercise more efficiently. In most cases and with people who do not regularly exercise their core, there is often an imbalance between lower back and abdominal strength. The core muscles are a notoriously hard group of muscles to target but here, I want to share with you how I have done it.
I do a minimum of 100 full sit ups a day, does that sound a lot? Not really, especially since it only takes 1 minute to do a set of 50. That is 2 minutes out of my day and it is perfect timing when you are sitting on the couch, watching TV. Why not continue to watch but get down on the floor and do a set? You could soon tot up a few hundred a week.
I also do core work whilst I train on any circuit session (which I outlined in a previous post.)
There is no quick fix when it comes to exercising and toning your core. I see adverts for machines that are supposed to send an electrical pulse to your core muscles through a belt you wear around your waist. The small and frequent electrical transmissions are purported to stimulate the muscles, fooling them into thinking that your are exercising them. I don't doubt there are benefits to doing this but it cannot replicate the results you get from honest, gutsy training.
Full sit ups aren't for everyone and need to be done properly, otherwise you run the risk of damaging your back and neck. I do the full set as I trained as a kick boxer for 18 months and my Sensai was very keen on core work. After a 2 hour, gruelling training session we would warm down with 1000 core exercises. That is extreme and part and parcel of the training but my short time as a kick boxer assisted me with habits I have kept going.
Crunches are just as effective and there are a whole range you can do that target the upper and lower abdominal muscle groups and obliques. I wanted to share this link with you
http://sportsmedicine.about.com/od/abdominalcorestrength1/a/NewCore.htm
This contains some brilliant information pertaining to what I have touched on in this post, plus it outlines the variety of exercises you can try.
Why not test it?
One great test for core strength is 'the plank'. You may have heard of this and it is a popular yoga move.
Lie face down on the floor to start. Make sure you have some way of timing yourself prior to assuming the correct position.
When you are ready, raise your self up so your toes are supporting your lower body and you are resting on your fore arms, face down. Make sure your arms are in a comfortable position. Ensure your back is following as straight a line as possible in terms of your spine and don't allow your tummy to sink. You hold this position for as long as you can. It is widely accepted that anyone who can hold this for 2+ minutes can be considered to own an acceptably strong, supportive core.
As you hold 'the plank' position, you will notice that, as time passes, your core will start to tremble. Stick with it!
The plank is excellent strength training in itself and forms part of a group of exercises known as callisthenics. This essentially comprises movement where you are utilising your own body and weight to train.
So next time you are watching TV, consider the amount of time it would take (a few minutes at most) to get down and do some sets of crunches.
I promise, you will LOVE the results.
Rainy xx
More post weight loss reflections
As I have mentioned before in posts, 4 years on and I am not immune to receiving the odd, stark reminder of who I used to be. Last night I stayed in and watched some TV. It's a much cheaper option for me at the moment, I am being somewhat of a hermit but stashing some cash is the name of the game.
Whilst flicking through the rubbish that was on ( and that is a whole load of rubbish considering I have a choice of 90+ channels) I stumbled across a UK show called 'Fat Families.' It does what it says on the tin and centres around families who lead unhealthy lifestyles, stuffing down take aways and convenience food like there is no tomorrow. The extent of their exercise is usually walking to the front door to take delivery of the 5 take out meals they gorge on each week. The presenter is a reborn health freak and weight loss guru. Kudos to him as he had weight problems himself a few years ago before changing his life around through healthy eating and exercise. He is more than qualified to offer support and advice. If you can look past his flamoyant, over zealous , camp presenting style , he deserves much respect for 'melting that lard' (his tag line, not mine!)
So each episode he takes a fat family and attempts to help them change their unhealthy ways. Tonight was a family of four; a husband and wife, mother of that wife and grand mother of that wife (got that?)
They were all obese, ranging between 305 to 270 pounds each in weight.
I watched aforementioned presenter criticising their food choices, frequently breaking out into rallying cries and kitting out their house with a purpose built gym. He used shock tactics in the form of full Medicals for each member, something that always throws up scary result. The grandmother was told that there were signs of reduced liver function (fatty liver disease) and she proceeded to dissolve into tears.
As I watched I realised that I weighed around the same weight as the wife, who topped the scales at 300 pounds. She is shorter than me but anyone who weighs 300 has some weighty issues, regardless of height!
No disrespect to this woman but I thought to myself, 'did I really look that big ?' I must have done but I hardly looked at my reflection back then so I guess the proverb 'out of sight, out of mind.' could be applied. I ignored the reflection and in essence, ignored the problem. Even so, I tried to imagine myself back there again, tried to imagine what I would be like now if I had not done those thousands of miles of cardio (yup thousands, I worked it out the other night) and cleaned up my wayward eating habits. At the time I finally committed to losing the bulk, I was borderline for starting to develop some serious health problems. I really do shudder to think about what would have happened had I not changed things. Where would I be now (probably not too far from a cupboard stuffed with junk food.) and 7 stone heavier still.
Just like those people on the show, we have to realise that we do have the power to get it under control. Our bodies are our vessels through life, we have to care for them and ensure they are equipped to get us through this journey.
I am not sure why but my weightier past has been playing on my mind recently. Today, a friend and I went shopping. Mostly window shopping but we had a look around at various bits and pieces, wanting to expand our winter wardrobes. I found a pair of trousers (pants) I really liked and the shop assistant asked, 'what size are you?' Momentarily I froze! Not sure why, I wonder whether that larger girl was sitting only my shoulder, whispering her fears in my ear.
Turns out I fitted very nicely into a pair of size 10's (US size 8), a size I have been for a long while now. Weird eh? Perhaps not, I am never going to abandon the larger me completely. Had you told the larger me in 2005, that I would be shopping for size 10's, I would have been disbelieving .
I am tired yawn, good night world
L xx
Whilst flicking through the rubbish that was on ( and that is a whole load of rubbish considering I have a choice of 90+ channels) I stumbled across a UK show called 'Fat Families.' It does what it says on the tin and centres around families who lead unhealthy lifestyles, stuffing down take aways and convenience food like there is no tomorrow. The extent of their exercise is usually walking to the front door to take delivery of the 5 take out meals they gorge on each week. The presenter is a reborn health freak and weight loss guru. Kudos to him as he had weight problems himself a few years ago before changing his life around through healthy eating and exercise. He is more than qualified to offer support and advice. If you can look past his flamoyant, over zealous , camp presenting style , he deserves much respect for 'melting that lard' (his tag line, not mine!)
So each episode he takes a fat family and attempts to help them change their unhealthy ways. Tonight was a family of four; a husband and wife, mother of that wife and grand mother of that wife (got that?)
They were all obese, ranging between 305 to 270 pounds each in weight.
I watched aforementioned presenter criticising their food choices, frequently breaking out into rallying cries and kitting out their house with a purpose built gym. He used shock tactics in the form of full Medicals for each member, something that always throws up scary result. The grandmother was told that there were signs of reduced liver function (fatty liver disease) and she proceeded to dissolve into tears.
As I watched I realised that I weighed around the same weight as the wife, who topped the scales at 300 pounds. She is shorter than me but anyone who weighs 300 has some weighty issues, regardless of height!
No disrespect to this woman but I thought to myself, 'did I really look that big ?' I must have done but I hardly looked at my reflection back then so I guess the proverb 'out of sight, out of mind.' could be applied. I ignored the reflection and in essence, ignored the problem. Even so, I tried to imagine myself back there again, tried to imagine what I would be like now if I had not done those thousands of miles of cardio (yup thousands, I worked it out the other night) and cleaned up my wayward eating habits. At the time I finally committed to losing the bulk, I was borderline for starting to develop some serious health problems. I really do shudder to think about what would have happened had I not changed things. Where would I be now (probably not too far from a cupboard stuffed with junk food.) and 7 stone heavier still.
Just like those people on the show, we have to realise that we do have the power to get it under control. Our bodies are our vessels through life, we have to care for them and ensure they are equipped to get us through this journey.
I am not sure why but my weightier past has been playing on my mind recently. Today, a friend and I went shopping. Mostly window shopping but we had a look around at various bits and pieces, wanting to expand our winter wardrobes. I found a pair of trousers (pants) I really liked and the shop assistant asked, 'what size are you?' Momentarily I froze! Not sure why, I wonder whether that larger girl was sitting only my shoulder, whispering her fears in my ear.
Turns out I fitted very nicely into a pair of size 10's (US size 8), a size I have been for a long while now. Weird eh? Perhaps not, I am never going to abandon the larger me completely. Had you told the larger me in 2005, that I would be shopping for size 10's, I would have been disbelieving .
I am tired yawn, good night world
L xx
Tuesday 8 November 2011
Body dysmorphia - how relevant is this to obesity?
Body dysmorphia disorder (BDD) is a term that has increasingly been banded around over the last decade or so.. Intense media pressure relating to image and appearance only compounds the negative body image some people have of themselves. As most of us probably already know, BDD manifests itself through a sufferer being unhealthily preoccupied with their own, perceived physical flaws or defects.
We all have bad days where we look in the mirror and don't like the reflection staring back at us. BDD suffers experience a heightened negativity and distorted awareness of their looks. It can be crippling in many respects, with some sufferers fearful of leaving their home. Many develop agoraphobia and anxiety because they hate the way they look that much.
I wonder how many of us fellow fat fighters (whether post or current) can loosely relate to this? I appreciate that true victims of BDD experience extreme self confidence issues that can result in self harming and clinical depression and I would never suggest that all overweight people have BDD but I believe there is a link. The amount of times I have heard over weight people describe social ineptness as being a side effect of the fat, not to mention self criticism and depression. I have experienced all this first hand, the number of times I locked myself away in my flat, avoiding social situations that only served in making me feel inadequate, unworthy and uncomfortable. There were so many times I would stare at my body for ages, identifying all the negative things about my appearance. This became so obsessive that I even wrote these things down. It was a morose list of faults; fat belly, double chin, large arms, fat back side, massive boobs (so much so, my cleavage was nicknamed 'the shelf' due to it's handiness with me being able to rest my dinner plate on it!)
I think I suffered from BDD for many years. I would refuse to look at my reflection, developing a veritable allergy to mirrors. If I had to apply my make up I would use the small mirror embedded within the sun visor of my car, that way I could only see my eyes. I would do anything for people not to look at me, averting gazes during conversation was common place. I felt a massive relief when someone else interjected so the attention was taken off me.
The lengths I would go to to disappear around other humans consumed my thoughts, the fear of rejection because of how I perceived I looked wore me down. Self hatred is destructive, our brains can distort things to such a degree that we end up seeing things that are not even there.
In my mind I told myself I was attractive, intelligent and I could look good and feel great about myself again. Often I got to a point where I would feel ok but the minute I caught my reflection in a mirror or a window, that confidence was shattered into a million pieces.
Intimate moments with my partner at the time were absurdly comical in terms of my irrational
thoughts. I did everything to cover my body up, lights were a no no and I thought about how I looked at every moment, mortified that he would even entertain the idea of getting jiggy with an ugly, fat blob. Poor chap, he was so patient and constantly reassured me but I felt like he was offering lip service. I now know that he did love me as I was and all I achieved was to push him away. Self sabotage in it's purest form. I would get extremely paranoid during the times we did socialise with others, I would convince myself that my man found other women more attractive than me and I felt totally and utterly inferior to any other female.
I cannot believe I spent so many years disliking myself. I am now a recovering BDD sufferer. I do get the odd day where I don't like my hair or feel unattractive but the self loathing has gone. The release from that disturbing pre occupation with my 'ugliness' and 'fatty blob' is indescribable.
We are ALL worthy or respect, attention and love. It should not matter how we look, no one should every persecute themselves for being who they are. The packaging is merely a facade, it really is what is on the inside that counts every inch of the way. If you are a self hater, please don't allow 'you' to be drowned and lost in a sea of destructive thoughts and negativity. I know that is easier for me to write and harder for BDD sufferers to action but I wasted so many years wrapped up in turmoil about my body and I cannot get those years back. The important lessons I have learned have come from being the smaller person I am now. Hindsight is a beautiful thing and has afforded me the insight to realise I was not THAT bad all along. I was me. I like me now and I was me back then.
Love yourself first, others will soon love you too :)
L xx
We all have bad days where we look in the mirror and don't like the reflection staring back at us. BDD suffers experience a heightened negativity and distorted awareness of their looks. It can be crippling in many respects, with some sufferers fearful of leaving their home. Many develop agoraphobia and anxiety because they hate the way they look that much.
I wonder how many of us fellow fat fighters (whether post or current) can loosely relate to this? I appreciate that true victims of BDD experience extreme self confidence issues that can result in self harming and clinical depression and I would never suggest that all overweight people have BDD but I believe there is a link. The amount of times I have heard over weight people describe social ineptness as being a side effect of the fat, not to mention self criticism and depression. I have experienced all this first hand, the number of times I locked myself away in my flat, avoiding social situations that only served in making me feel inadequate, unworthy and uncomfortable. There were so many times I would stare at my body for ages, identifying all the negative things about my appearance. This became so obsessive that I even wrote these things down. It was a morose list of faults; fat belly, double chin, large arms, fat back side, massive boobs (so much so, my cleavage was nicknamed 'the shelf' due to it's handiness with me being able to rest my dinner plate on it!)
I think I suffered from BDD for many years. I would refuse to look at my reflection, developing a veritable allergy to mirrors. If I had to apply my make up I would use the small mirror embedded within the sun visor of my car, that way I could only see my eyes. I would do anything for people not to look at me, averting gazes during conversation was common place. I felt a massive relief when someone else interjected so the attention was taken off me.
The lengths I would go to to disappear around other humans consumed my thoughts, the fear of rejection because of how I perceived I looked wore me down. Self hatred is destructive, our brains can distort things to such a degree that we end up seeing things that are not even there.
In my mind I told myself I was attractive, intelligent and I could look good and feel great about myself again. Often I got to a point where I would feel ok but the minute I caught my reflection in a mirror or a window, that confidence was shattered into a million pieces.
Intimate moments with my partner at the time were absurdly comical in terms of my irrational
thoughts. I did everything to cover my body up, lights were a no no and I thought about how I looked at every moment, mortified that he would even entertain the idea of getting jiggy with an ugly, fat blob. Poor chap, he was so patient and constantly reassured me but I felt like he was offering lip service. I now know that he did love me as I was and all I achieved was to push him away. Self sabotage in it's purest form. I would get extremely paranoid during the times we did socialise with others, I would convince myself that my man found other women more attractive than me and I felt totally and utterly inferior to any other female.
I cannot believe I spent so many years disliking myself. I am now a recovering BDD sufferer. I do get the odd day where I don't like my hair or feel unattractive but the self loathing has gone. The release from that disturbing pre occupation with my 'ugliness' and 'fatty blob' is indescribable.
We are ALL worthy or respect, attention and love. It should not matter how we look, no one should every persecute themselves for being who they are. The packaging is merely a facade, it really is what is on the inside that counts every inch of the way. If you are a self hater, please don't allow 'you' to be drowned and lost in a sea of destructive thoughts and negativity. I know that is easier for me to write and harder for BDD sufferers to action but I wasted so many years wrapped up in turmoil about my body and I cannot get those years back. The important lessons I have learned have come from being the smaller person I am now. Hindsight is a beautiful thing and has afforded me the insight to realise I was not THAT bad all along. I was me. I like me now and I was me back then.
Love yourself first, others will soon love you too :)
L xx
Sunday 6 November 2011
Weight circuit training plan
So try the following routine. Ease yourself in, only do what you can do. Adjust the reputations if you want. Some areas of your body are going to be stronger than others.
*Remember* Take it easy, especially if you are not used to exercising. You can adapt the repetitions to suit your fitness levels but this routine below should cover off most of your major muscle groups. Even if you are carrying extra fat over your muscles at the moment, toning up what is underneath will only pay dividends when you reach your goal. Plus weights are fantastic at raising your metabolic rate which, in turn, means a more efficient metabolism.For the warm up, use a stop watch if you can.
Use 1lb weights to start with, it may seem too light but remember 'gently does it' get your muscles groups used to this first. All movement should be controlled and fluid, not too fast.
When you do the circuit, everything needs to be done back to back, if at all possible. If you feel you need to take a break inbetween then do take it initially but it is important to keep the heart rate up.
Warm up
Start with a 5 minute, gentle jog on the spot. Not too manic, just gentle.
30 skips of the rope
Carry on running on the spot for another 5 mins
30 skips of the rope
You are now warmed up enough to start the circuit.
Dead lifts (targets back and legs)
Take one weight in each hand, facing forward. Stand up straight then bend down as far as you can go, ensuring your legs are straight at all times. Come back up and repeat 12x
Shoulder press (targets shoulders, upper back)
Stand up straight, weight in each hand and raise them up straight above each shoulder. Make sure the arm is fully extended before bringing back down to just above your shoulder. Repeat 10x
Weighted side bends (abductor muscles and core)
Stand straight. You only need one weight for this. Hold weight in your hand and lower your hand down your side, to the middle of your. Let your free hand rise up so you are bent over slightly to the weighted side. Roll the weight back up the thigh again to standing position. Repeat 15 times each side
Weighted star jumps (cardiovascular, arms, core, legs)
Take both weights in each hand and do 20 star jumps. These are great for the core, legs plus the cardio aspect keeps you warmed up
Bicep curls (biceps)
Try to do 15 per arm. You can do them together, alternating each arm or do one arm first then switch.
Ski jumps (cardio vascular, legs)
Put the weights down. This is another cardio exercise. Stand with feet together and jump to your right handside before jumping left again, then right. Do this as quick as you can, 30 reps
Front raises (pecs, biceps, triceps and shoulders)
Take the weights in each hand. Stand straight and hold the weights down in front of you so they are in line with your belly. Raise them up to chest level and back down again. Repeat 10x
Chair press ups (pecs, biceps, core)
Get a chair if you can. Basically crouch on your knees, crossing feet behind you so they are off the floor. Be about 2 ft from the chair. Place hands either side of the chair and bend down as low as you can go then raise up again. Repeat 10x
Crunches
Lie on your exercise mat and do 20 stomach crunches . When you are doing the crunch, never let your shoulders fully rest on the floor. This engages the core throughout the reps. Try 15 to start with
30 skips to finish the set
You need to repeat this full weight circuit 3 times if you can. That gives you about 600 reps of everything in total. Not bad going!! Only take 40 minutes tops.
xx
Making the most of exercise
I openly admit I have made a few mistakes when it has come to my training. Up until the age of 30, I had never really taken exercise seriously, even though I trained like a demon when I was 20, I had it all wrong and viewed gym training as a means to compound my veritable anorexic attitude towards food. It was all about burning as many calories as I could with the depleted energy levels I was running on. My tank was empty, the training was non productive and only served in exacerbating my weight loss at the time.
If you have not already gathered, I suffer from an obsessive personality. Mostly I view it as a hinderance, it is all or nothing with me and there is rarely a grey area.
Despite it being a pain most of the time, it has served me well with the massive weight loss I have experienced. When I set my mind to the challenge my dogged determination will always keep me going. I could be rest assured of that even when times got really tough with the weight loss and those niggling feelings of doubt set in, I was always going to do it.
Running, running, running
Another side effect of my obsessive nature was the running. When I entered maintenance, I was running regularly and did so for the 2 years following. I accomplished some goals, completing my first 10k race and also a half marathon (a truly remarkable achievement and something I will cover off in more detail later.) I think I ran too much, distance running can be addictive and is notorious for knocking fat off your body like nothing else. It is cardio intensive and is fantastic for the heart, I know that when I was at the peak of my distance running I was clocking up 50+ miles a week and my resting heart rate was 49 beats per minute (compare that to the 90+ bpm I had when I was at my largest.) It is fantastic for cardio vascular conditioning but not so great for upper body strength. So my 2 year running stint saw me drop down to 140 pounds which I maintained for a year or so during that phase.
A break
During 2009 I stopped running, partly due to boredom of it and partly due to exhaustion. You hear it often from other runners, it is not sustainable and there are down times. Running is a psychological roller coaster, no matter whether you are feeling physically up for doing it or not, any kind of mental block and it won't happen. During an 8 month period I gained back 10 pounds and felt like my body healed after the miles and miles of training I had done. I dread to think the total mileage I had accrued over that 24 month period! Much of the weight gain was rehydration, no matter how much fluid you take on whilst doing high intensity cardio, I think you are always going to be slightly dehydrated. Gaining weight back was no problem, it was different than before. I felt in control and let my hair down a bit, safe in the knowledge that I was armed with the tools to redress the balance should I feel that it was getting out of control.
When you lose weight, it is always good to have a 'ceiling' weight that you reach, should you gain any back. I always said that 150 pounds would be my acceptable ceiling, anything past that and I would tighten my belt again (so to speak!) and apply some healthier stratgey to ensure I gained no more. It would not have been a problem to go over 150 but, historically, I know that I am more susceptible to weight gain and so always have that in the back of my mind. It worked well and come August 2009, I decided to start training once again. I took a holiday to a beautiful part of the UK that offers some rather impressive fells and peaks. I spent the holiday climbing, scaling 1800ft ascents and this was a pleasurable if not gruelling re entry to exercise. When I got home I jumped on my bike and started riding. I felt like I wanted to mix things up a bit and back off on the running for a while longer. The old runner in me soon made herself known and by October I had started pound the streets. I found that I gained my running fitness back remarkably quickly and was soon clocking up 10k runs. I was mindful, from experience, that 10k was more than adequate in terms of distance and so stuck to that, mixing in 2 bike rides a week to vary the training.
Once you have a base level of fitness, there is a wonderful little thing called muscle memory. It has been researched before and proven that muscles do remember training, even if you have been inactive for a long period of time. This means that, should you train and then give up, picking up exercise should be easier to do. Your body responds quickly.
Weight circuits - fat burning, strength gaining heaven
A friend of mine has trained his whole life and is in fantastic shape. He had always said to me that I should do weights. Now weight training has always bored me, I never really got into it and the few half hearted attempts I had made at it had always seen me jack it in after a few weeks. My friend introduced me to weight circuits, these essentially mix weights with cardio exercise.
I heard him out and had already seen the benefits he had gained from doing them, namely a fantastic physique and great balance with the cardio fitness. So he outlined a few circuits I could try and I devised my own plan. I liked the fact that I could incorporate my cardio into the circuits as that was my strong point and something I wanted to sustain.
Circuits really are fantastic. A year on and I am still doing them 3 -4 times a week. The beauty of circuits is that you can do them ANYWHERE. All you need is some free weights/ dumb bells, an exercise mat, a skipping rope and some space. I have developed my own training plan with them that means that I have slowly built up to a dumb bell weight where I am putting some resistance on my muscles, enough to give me some toning. Due to the fact that women do not have a lot of testeosterone coursing through the veins, we will never bulk up so do not worry about looking like a female Russian body builder. It is not possible, not unless you start taking steroids.
RESULTS
My upper body has changed beyond all recognition, it has taken a year of training but I love my shape now. My shoulders are broader, my posture is better, I have shape to my arms and my torso is more defined. No bulging bicpes but a much sleeker, stronger me :) I can even do 5 proper press ups! A first!
My next post will outline a circuit you can do at home and is not dissimilar to what I do now, give it a try.
Rainy xxx
If you have not already gathered, I suffer from an obsessive personality. Mostly I view it as a hinderance, it is all or nothing with me and there is rarely a grey area.
Despite it being a pain most of the time, it has served me well with the massive weight loss I have experienced. When I set my mind to the challenge my dogged determination will always keep me going. I could be rest assured of that even when times got really tough with the weight loss and those niggling feelings of doubt set in, I was always going to do it.
Running, running, running
Another side effect of my obsessive nature was the running. When I entered maintenance, I was running regularly and did so for the 2 years following. I accomplished some goals, completing my first 10k race and also a half marathon (a truly remarkable achievement and something I will cover off in more detail later.) I think I ran too much, distance running can be addictive and is notorious for knocking fat off your body like nothing else. It is cardio intensive and is fantastic for the heart, I know that when I was at the peak of my distance running I was clocking up 50+ miles a week and my resting heart rate was 49 beats per minute (compare that to the 90+ bpm I had when I was at my largest.) It is fantastic for cardio vascular conditioning but not so great for upper body strength. So my 2 year running stint saw me drop down to 140 pounds which I maintained for a year or so during that phase.
A break
During 2009 I stopped running, partly due to boredom of it and partly due to exhaustion. You hear it often from other runners, it is not sustainable and there are down times. Running is a psychological roller coaster, no matter whether you are feeling physically up for doing it or not, any kind of mental block and it won't happen. During an 8 month period I gained back 10 pounds and felt like my body healed after the miles and miles of training I had done. I dread to think the total mileage I had accrued over that 24 month period! Much of the weight gain was rehydration, no matter how much fluid you take on whilst doing high intensity cardio, I think you are always going to be slightly dehydrated. Gaining weight back was no problem, it was different than before. I felt in control and let my hair down a bit, safe in the knowledge that I was armed with the tools to redress the balance should I feel that it was getting out of control.
When you lose weight, it is always good to have a 'ceiling' weight that you reach, should you gain any back. I always said that 150 pounds would be my acceptable ceiling, anything past that and I would tighten my belt again (so to speak!) and apply some healthier stratgey to ensure I gained no more. It would not have been a problem to go over 150 but, historically, I know that I am more susceptible to weight gain and so always have that in the back of my mind. It worked well and come August 2009, I decided to start training once again. I took a holiday to a beautiful part of the UK that offers some rather impressive fells and peaks. I spent the holiday climbing, scaling 1800ft ascents and this was a pleasurable if not gruelling re entry to exercise. When I got home I jumped on my bike and started riding. I felt like I wanted to mix things up a bit and back off on the running for a while longer. The old runner in me soon made herself known and by October I had started pound the streets. I found that I gained my running fitness back remarkably quickly and was soon clocking up 10k runs. I was mindful, from experience, that 10k was more than adequate in terms of distance and so stuck to that, mixing in 2 bike rides a week to vary the training.
Once you have a base level of fitness, there is a wonderful little thing called muscle memory. It has been researched before and proven that muscles do remember training, even if you have been inactive for a long period of time. This means that, should you train and then give up, picking up exercise should be easier to do. Your body responds quickly.
Weight circuits - fat burning, strength gaining heaven
A friend of mine has trained his whole life and is in fantastic shape. He had always said to me that I should do weights. Now weight training has always bored me, I never really got into it and the few half hearted attempts I had made at it had always seen me jack it in after a few weeks. My friend introduced me to weight circuits, these essentially mix weights with cardio exercise.
I heard him out and had already seen the benefits he had gained from doing them, namely a fantastic physique and great balance with the cardio fitness. So he outlined a few circuits I could try and I devised my own plan. I liked the fact that I could incorporate my cardio into the circuits as that was my strong point and something I wanted to sustain.
Circuits really are fantastic. A year on and I am still doing them 3 -4 times a week. The beauty of circuits is that you can do them ANYWHERE. All you need is some free weights/ dumb bells, an exercise mat, a skipping rope and some space. I have developed my own training plan with them that means that I have slowly built up to a dumb bell weight where I am putting some resistance on my muscles, enough to give me some toning. Due to the fact that women do not have a lot of testeosterone coursing through the veins, we will never bulk up so do not worry about looking like a female Russian body builder. It is not possible, not unless you start taking steroids.
RESULTS
My upper body has changed beyond all recognition, it has taken a year of training but I love my shape now. My shoulders are broader, my posture is better, I have shape to my arms and my torso is more defined. No bulging bicpes but a much sleeker, stronger me :) I can even do 5 proper press ups! A first!
My next post will outline a circuit you can do at home and is not dissimilar to what I do now, give it a try.
Rainy xxx
Maintenance - the tricky side of transition
The dictionary definition of the word maintenance is 'administered to maintain a desired condition'.
When we set ourselves weight loss goals, no matter how much or how little we have to lose, we have to become fiercely focused on those goals. Losing weight is about lifestyle change, not simply addressing one aspect such as diet and hoping that will work. You have to change your whole thinking about food,, exercise and the commitment to make the changes that will carry you through life a healthier person. It is something palpable to concentrate on and we strive to achieve that ultimate aim, watching those numbers tumble on the scale. Each pound that goes is a mini victory, how often have you felt that delicious sensation of gratification and achievement when you have had a good week and your mass diminishes further?
Maintaining
So what happens when you get there, that thing we refer to as goal. After all that hard work; calorie counting, exercise regimes, tears, self deprication at being fat in the first place. It stops. It's as if you have been in a speeding car for hundreds of miles and you apply the brakes, grinding to a halt. The target has been reached. For some, this can be daunting as you have to review how your are managing the process. There are no more visual targets, of course it is wise to keep an eye on your weight as you start maintenance ( and there on in) but those little kicks and wins you had are no more. Of course you have conceded a trouncing from the silent enemy that is obesity, you have reached a healthy weight and are no longer suffering the mental and physical tortures being fat presents. That is massive reward in itself.
It becomes about weight preservation rather than weight loss per se.
And so the journey begins
Entering maintenance was pretty scary in some respects, my focus had to shift from loss to sustain. What if I failed after all that hard work? To be realistic, I would have had to have eaten consistently for months to even get close to where I started out from but I knew that it had happened before, therefore it could happen again.
On the face of it, maintenance sounds easier than actually losing the weight in the first place.
The first 12 months of maintenance were ok in terms of maintaining my weight, I even lost a bit more and got down to 147 pounds. The running was paying dividends and assisted the weight maintenance so I was not too concerned about gaining. The energy your body uses to run is plentiful! But what with all the emotional and mental baggage I was carrying from being morbidly obese, adjusting to the new body was harder psychologically than I thought it would be.
It annoyed me that people treated me differently, just because I looked more 'acceptable' in the eyes of society. In truth I was being treated differently because I was behaving differently. I was confident, chatty, excited about life again and those who came into contact me were picking up on that. I still expected cruel comments and judgemental looks but they did not happen, it was almost as if I could not switch that part of my brain off. It was still playing catch up with the changes and was constantly on alert. My abuse radar was always primed.
The attention I was getting from the opposite sex perplexed me initially, I had gone from being invisible at best to men taking notice. I did not and still do not find it comfortable when a man makes it known that he finds me attractive. It should be a compliment but the stubborn part of me feels slightly perturbed that they are looking at me for one reason and one reason only. I guess I was still hanging on to the memories of before where I was ridiculed or insulted. Those scars run deep, deeper that I could have imagined.
I think I sound a bit cynical, even negative but the benefits of my hard work were far more plentiful. I would never want to distract from those.
When we set ourselves weight loss goals, no matter how much or how little we have to lose, we have to become fiercely focused on those goals. Losing weight is about lifestyle change, not simply addressing one aspect such as diet and hoping that will work. You have to change your whole thinking about food,, exercise and the commitment to make the changes that will carry you through life a healthier person. It is something palpable to concentrate on and we strive to achieve that ultimate aim, watching those numbers tumble on the scale. Each pound that goes is a mini victory, how often have you felt that delicious sensation of gratification and achievement when you have had a good week and your mass diminishes further?
Maintaining
So what happens when you get there, that thing we refer to as goal. After all that hard work; calorie counting, exercise regimes, tears, self deprication at being fat in the first place. It stops. It's as if you have been in a speeding car for hundreds of miles and you apply the brakes, grinding to a halt. The target has been reached. For some, this can be daunting as you have to review how your are managing the process. There are no more visual targets, of course it is wise to keep an eye on your weight as you start maintenance ( and there on in) but those little kicks and wins you had are no more. Of course you have conceded a trouncing from the silent enemy that is obesity, you have reached a healthy weight and are no longer suffering the mental and physical tortures being fat presents. That is massive reward in itself.
It becomes about weight preservation rather than weight loss per se.
And so the journey begins
Entering maintenance was pretty scary in some respects, my focus had to shift from loss to sustain. What if I failed after all that hard work? To be realistic, I would have had to have eaten consistently for months to even get close to where I started out from but I knew that it had happened before, therefore it could happen again.
On the face of it, maintenance sounds easier than actually losing the weight in the first place.
The first 12 months of maintenance were ok in terms of maintaining my weight, I even lost a bit more and got down to 147 pounds. The running was paying dividends and assisted the weight maintenance so I was not too concerned about gaining. The energy your body uses to run is plentiful! But what with all the emotional and mental baggage I was carrying from being morbidly obese, adjusting to the new body was harder psychologically than I thought it would be.
It annoyed me that people treated me differently, just because I looked more 'acceptable' in the eyes of society. In truth I was being treated differently because I was behaving differently. I was confident, chatty, excited about life again and those who came into contact me were picking up on that. I still expected cruel comments and judgemental looks but they did not happen, it was almost as if I could not switch that part of my brain off. It was still playing catch up with the changes and was constantly on alert. My abuse radar was always primed.
The attention I was getting from the opposite sex perplexed me initially, I had gone from being invisible at best to men taking notice. I did not and still do not find it comfortable when a man makes it known that he finds me attractive. It should be a compliment but the stubborn part of me feels slightly perturbed that they are looking at me for one reason and one reason only. I guess I was still hanging on to the memories of before where I was ridiculed or insulted. Those scars run deep, deeper that I could have imagined.
I think I sound a bit cynical, even negative but the benefits of my hard work were far more plentiful. I would never want to distract from those.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)