Body dysmorphia - how relevant is this to obesity?

Body dysmorphia disorder (BDD) is a term that has increasingly been banded around over the last decade or so.. Intense media pressure relating to image and appearance only compounds the negative body image some people have of themselves. As most of us probably already know, BDD manifests itself through a sufferer being unhealthily preoccupied with their own, perceived physical flaws or defects.

We all have bad days where we look in the mirror and don't like the reflection staring back at us. BDD suffers experience a heightened negativity and distorted awareness of their looks. It can be crippling in many respects, with some sufferers fearful of leaving their home. Many develop agoraphobia and anxiety because they hate the way they look that much.

I wonder how many of us fellow fat fighters (whether post or current) can loosely relate to this? I appreciate that true victims of BDD experience extreme self confidence issues that can result in self harming and clinical depression and I would never suggest that all overweight people have BDD but I believe there is a link. The amount of times I have heard over weight people describe social ineptness as being a side effect of the fat, not to mention self criticism and depression. I have experienced all this first hand, the number of times I locked myself away in my flat, avoiding social situations that only served in making me feel inadequate, unworthy and uncomfortable. There were so many times I would stare at my body for ages, identifying all the negative things about my appearance. This became so obsessive that I even wrote these things down. It was a morose list of faults; fat belly, double chin, large arms, fat back side, massive boobs (so much so, my cleavage was nicknamed 'the shelf' due to it's handiness with me being able to rest my dinner plate on it!)

I think I suffered from BDD for many years. I would refuse to look at my reflection, developing a veritable allergy to mirrors. If I had to apply my make up I would use the small mirror embedded within the sun visor of my car, that way I could only see my eyes. I would do anything for people not to look at me, averting gazes during conversation was common place. I felt a massive relief when someone else interjected so the attention was taken off me.
The lengths I would go to to disappear around other humans consumed my thoughts, the fear of rejection because of how I perceived I looked wore me down. Self hatred is destructive, our brains can distort things to such a degree that we end up seeing things that are not even there.
In my mind I told myself I was attractive, intelligent and I could look good and feel great about myself again. Often I got to a point where I would feel ok but the minute I caught my reflection in a mirror or a window, that confidence was shattered into a million pieces.

Intimate moments with my partner at the time were absurdly comical in terms of my irrational
thoughts. I did everything to cover my body up, lights were a no no and I thought about how I looked at every moment, mortified that he would even entertain the idea of getting jiggy with an ugly, fat blob. Poor chap, he was so patient and constantly reassured me but I felt like he was offering lip service. I now know that he did love me as I was and all I achieved was to push him away. Self sabotage in it's purest form. I would get extremely paranoid during the times we did socialise with others, I would convince myself that my man found other women more attractive than me and I felt totally and utterly inferior to any other female.

I cannot believe I spent so many years disliking myself. I am now a recovering BDD sufferer. I do get the odd day where I don't like my hair or feel unattractive but the self loathing has gone. The release from that disturbing pre occupation with my 'ugliness' and 'fatty blob' is indescribable.

We are ALL worthy or respect, attention and love. It should not matter how we look, no one should every persecute themselves for being who they are. The packaging is merely a facade, it really is what is on the inside that counts every inch of the way. If you are a self hater, please don't allow 'you' to be drowned and lost in a sea of destructive thoughts and negativity. I know that is easier for me to write and harder for BDD sufferers to action but I wasted so many years wrapped up in turmoil about my body and I cannot get those years back. The important lessons I have learned have come from being the smaller person I am now. Hindsight is a beautiful thing and has afforded me the insight to realise I was not THAT bad all along. I was me. I like me now and I was me back then.

Love yourself first, others will soon love you too :)

L xx