In the words of Miss Turner herself, I pose this question. Tonight I want to....correction, NEED to write. It is a fantastic outlet when you have to get something off your chest and I have always used it as a useful coping mechanism historically. I do apologise if this comes across as mildly narcissistic but I thought , 'well I want to write and I need to vent, so why not use my blog and a public arena to do it!'
The majority of posts on here relate to weight loss, which consolidates the title of my blog but a break from the norm is required. I wanted to talk about the subject of love, amore; that universal language that represents peace and unity, unconditional care and affection for another human being.
Romantic love has always evaded me up until recently, an unknown emotion that others seem to have experience with, I am merely a beginner. The word love means different things to different people; perhaps the way a person hair falls over their eyes, the way a partner laughs uncontrollably at witty things you say. It also has the potential to be the most potent and intoxicating emotion we can experience. A deep, understood connection that two people share. It can be both nurturing or destructive, euphoric or despairing.
Argh? This is far removed from any
other post thus far but something I have been mulling just recently.
Background (and keeping an epic long story short) I started seeing a man last year and someone I had known for a long time previously, although not well. It was hardly love at first sight, although does that exist? Physically I could not ignore him. We got on and stayed in contact via email as he moved around quite a bit. An opportunity arose for us to hang out one long weekend and we had one of the most memorable times I have ever had. Something just clicked. I cannot even begin to describe it, he certainly managed to infiltrate a part of my heart that had been vacant previously. Circumstance s being as they were, we could not be together but I got home and had this heady, glorious feeling inside of me. Butterflies in the tummy, a warm glow radiated from me and it was all down to him. The feeling was fantastic, a runaway stream of happiness.
So 18 months on and we have not seen one another since. We remain
in contact at times but it is fleeting and superficial. As this is a public arena I do not want to bog this post down with detail but, essentially, my feelings are not reciprocated; a dagger rips through my heart every time he contacts me. Despite the fact said man and I have not spent much time together, I can categorically say that I am in love with him, there is no melodrama involved here. Head over heels, Truly, madly, deeply. Ordinarily I am adept at keeping my emotions in check and can even appear as a little cold. Control! Up until the age 31 I don't think I had ever experienced what being in love felt like.
For me, it has caused distress, turmoil and perplexity for the most part although embers of that initial fire between us smoulder
on occasionally. Those first few days of euphoria have been replaced by the reality that he simply does not want me anymore. I think about him everyday, as some point or another and wish things could be different. I know I am flogging a dead horse but there is that small part of you that holds out hope. A tenuous, unrealised hope that will ultimately lead me back to the same road, a road without him.
How do you conquer your feelings? It is not so easy. Try as you might, love will constantly pull you back to when
things were good. You remain deluded by your own misconceptions. I know I cannot have this chap, I realise he is unattainable but I still cling on almost; little Miss poker face has finally
been breached !
Is it a chemical reaction to another person we tap into? Some invisible force that coaxes two people together? I wish I truly knew what chemistry really means but I do know one thing; when it's good, it's really really good. When it is bad it is rubbish!
Either way, I am going to stop writing about the L word. Perhaps you have experienced the same? Either been on the receiving end of the unrequited variety or been the object of someones affection? It can be mighty painful!
Rainy xx
2 comments:
Hi Rainy, you are going through the universal trial that everyone must pass through before finding that mutual combination. I look back on a man I thought was 'IT!', but like you say, did not want me any more, and to make matters more painful, started seeing someone else right under me nose. I remember that time, and I was so confused. How to handle the feelings? Acceptance that it is not to be is the begining of the feelings wearing off. As long as you keep hope alive that he might change his mind, the feelings will remain alive, fed by hope. When hope dies, the feelings starve to death. One day you wake up to a MIRACLE: The words to that old song comes to your mind in the fullest reality!:
"and I think its gonna be alright,
Yeah, the worst is over now,
The morning sun is shining like a Red Rubber Ball!"
I look back and I THANK GOD IN HEAVEN I did not marry that dweeb, and have the man I did marry!
Hey Janet, wow thank you for your honesty and bolstering appraisal! Sounds like you had a close call. That's the thing isn't it, when you are caught up in a quagmire of emotion, your judgement is clouded.
I am glad you met your Mr Right :) I would love to meet mine too, he will come along, I know.
I went on a date tonight so I am trying, I would say...in date stakes, it went ok. I just need to get Mr Wrong but so Right out isn't head!! Begone oh emotional detachment :)
L x
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