When I was fat, I was deemed unacceptable in societies distorted view of what is considered 'normal.' Fat people ARE stared at, whether it is right or wrong is beside the point. It almost seems like a disfigurement to some, the large bodies some of us carry around are viewed as a physical flaw.
This makes me angry for 2 reasons. One there is such a thing called free will. Most of us live in a free society and so the way we choose to dress or look should be encompassed within that. My second reason is that no one has the right to belittle or demean another. Should we choose to ask someones opinion then we will but offering up comments and observations that are guaranteed to hurt and offend is unacceptable and cruel.
Being noticed but wanting to fade into the background
Despite the fact I am now the size I am, I still get angry when people acknowledge the way I look. I do get compliments but these people may as well be saying 'oh you look so much better now'; is an inadvertent slap in the face for the old me. Great, so now I look much better and have a figure so, all of a sudden, I am more of an attractive prospect and worthy of attention? I can 100% guarantee that these men who comment now would not have given me a second glance this time 5 years ago. It makes me angry! I hope I am not coming across as bitter as I am not really, this post was spurned by reading an article about a chap who is now the most 'in demand' Brad Pitt look a like. A few years ago he was morbidly obese and unhealthy. He decided, as I did, that it was make or break. He went with make.
During the interview he pertains to what I have already tried to relate, saying "I felt angry that people were focusing so much on my looks, rather than the person I was inside. I've been the fat guy who nobody wanted to talk to. I used to walk into a room and everyone stopped and stared....I felt angry at society for being so shallow when I lost the weight. Even now, when I look in the mirror I still see the fat guy I once was. I think in my mind I'll always be that guy."
This paragraph is so poignant to me, he encapsulated the matter at hand very succinctly. Society is vain. He is still the same person, it's just the packaging has changed. Going from being snubbed by society to have it embrace you is a hard transition and one that has posed the most trouble in my mind. How dare people pick and choose how to treat me, based solely on the way I look. But it is part of the human condition, we are naturally programmed to accept slim as attractive. On a very primal but superficial level it denotes a person has virility, health and self respect.
I have been privvy to weight related bullying just recently, ordinarily I try to avoid conflict but I have absolutely no qualms in confronting it if I feel someone around me is being scrutinised about their weight. It really does stab me through the heart when I see or hear it happen, the empathy and understanding I have is deep seeded
Are they really that shallow?
There is certainly no danger of me getting a big head. Any time someone comments or shows some attention, I am thrust back into the bigger me. Oh how those comments would have been different had we been in the same situation 5 years ago. I still find myself shy away and avoid eye contact, compliments can be hard to take on board when you have spent so many years giving yourself a hard time and hating what you had become. Perhaps I should embrace it more? Perhaps I have a chip on my shoulder (and not an edible one) that is preventing me from meeting someone? I do know I question mens intentions with me now and the type of man I have attracted post weight loss has not done me any justice.
My mum said something interesting the other week. We were watching yet another weight loss based programme on TV and the conversation, invariably, harps back to my own experiences. She outlined that, had I not lost the weight, she thinks I would probably be settled and happy now. I found this both an insightful and jarring comment.
Massive weight loss does change you in some ways, not so much your personality but your view and perspective on the bigger picture. I think my experiences post weight loss have opened my eyes to a rather disappointing and vain world. The number of married men who have hit on me is into double figures. I know there are committed and faithful fellas out there but their compadres leave a lot to be desired. I am a single, thirty something female who, on the face of it, never had a weight issue and has always looked the way I do now. Wrong! I am thankful for the bumpy journey I have had, I feel it has made me a more rounded individual.
This post is proving to be quite negative but I want to convey how it is in my mind.
Anyone reading this who is either starting their own journey, in the midst of losing weight or nearing their goal remember one thing. Do it for yourself, no body else. Society will always judge us but this whole journey is about YOU. Bettering your health, your confidence and your self perception is the name of the game. If you keep those things in mind, you will most definitely succeed.
Rainy xx
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