Woo hoo mid week, fantastic. I don't like to think I am one for wishing my life away but there is always something great about a Wednesday don't you think? It is half way through the working week and those two magical days at the end of the week are edging ever closer.
So far on this blog, I have looked back and relived a number of memories I have of being obese. Let's be honest, there were never going to be many fond memories and I fear that many of my posts are erring on the side of depressing. But I do think it is important to be honest though, I have had little support through this journey and I sometimes wondered whether I should have sought that post weight loss as the body metamorphosis I have gone through is life changing. I don't feel like I required or even require counselling now although I am sure it has its benefits. It feels like I have emerged from a coccoon, I am spreading my wings and exploring the world, liberated from my physical burden.
I feel that writing this blog is proving to be more theraputic than I initially thought it would be which is fantastic and it means, for you lucky readers ;) , I will continue to share my thoughts and feelings. There is so much still I need to share, I think off loading these experiences and burdens is a powerful thing. I also hope, truly, that this can inspire and encourage others to get through the tough times and keep plugging away at the weight loss. Perhaps there will be people reading this who do not have or have never had a weight problem, I think this kind of candid journal may open those people's eyes to what it is like living in a fat person's body. Either way, I really hope this is of some benefit to anyone out there who has had to endure hardships that excess weight brings.
Getting back to my original idea for this post, I really do feel like a new person. The transition is a strange one and has been ongoing since I reached my goal weight. The weight still fluctuates from time to time but the girl I was 6 years ago is far removed from the woman I am today.
Obese me
The obese me was shy, unsure of herself, unconfident, depressed at times, defensive, afraid of social situations, dependent on food, needy, lazy, unmotivated, lethargic...the list could go on. Don't get me wrong, I am sure there were some good points and those good points remain with me now. Certain parts of my personality will never change; good sense of humour, reasonably intelligent (or so I like to think ;) ) , caring, loyal, kind. These are things that the outside world generally do not see unless they get to know you, so I must have come across to others as completely down trodden. First impressions count in any social/ work situation.
Another interesting tilt to this is how you carry yourself physically when you are bigger. I sloped my shoulders, hunched my back, kept my head down and that all reeks lack of confidence, I may as well have worn a sandwich board stating that fact. This kind of body language immediately makes you unapproachable to other people.
The me of now is confident, disciplined, driven, generally happy, open to new experiences, active, sociable, lively...that list goes on too! I walk with my head held high, shoulders back and a smile on my face (except when walking into work!) A total reversal in body language right? We all have our off days where we feel a bit sullen, perhaps those shoulders do slouch but now any shoulder slouching does not exacerbate my size.
A smaller body
I sometimes catch my reflection in shop windows or mirrors and am shocked at what I see. To this day, I look at where I have got to and feel shocked. You would think that adapting to a smaller body would come full circle eventually but it still hasn't. As it has become the norm now, gentle reminders do occur, such as these moments.
The new me can get up and exercise and do it well. The profuse sweating of old has been replaced by a healthy glow that transpires after I have gone for the burn. My skin is better due to the exercise (I guess we are constantly detoxing our skin when we sweat, emptying those pores but in a different way to 'fat' sweating, far more cleansing.) Chafing is an awful memory from the past and something that does not haunt my thighs anymore. Summer time is something to look forward to now, not something to dread. I love getting out in the sun, wearing my strappy tops and shorts and enjoying the weather, not scared about whether I will bare sweat patches or that my skin will rub to the point of soreness.
Interestingly there is one aspect of this dramatic change that I find both aggravating and flattering. When I was bigger, men would not give me a second look and if they did, it often ended up with an insult. I faded into the background like old, worn wall paper. That suits me to this day to be honest but the any attention I used to get was of a negative kind and would often leave me feeling upset and perturbed. Without wanting to sound conceited, I get a totally different kind of attention from some men now. Whether it be the odd wolf whistle here or there or a comment or two of a flattering nature, it does happen. It does not always please me as such, although I realise it should be taken as a compliment. A couple of times men have been quite direct and showed their interest and I have turned around to see who they were talking to, subsequently realising it was me. I must admit, that has been hard to get used to. I am not a natural attention seeker and certainly don't like being the centre of the attention, navigating around the periphery is totally my bag!
It is a sad fact of life that people do tend to treat you differently when you are slimmer. Believe me, I have noticed it. The reasons for this are plentiful and I think I have covered many of them off in my ramblings above. I don't think it is necessarily right but it happens, human nature anyone? (I am sure there is a song title in there somewhere.) It is interesting to get a perspective from both sides of the coin, so to speak.
Another massive change is shopping. I outlined in a previous post that I absolutely dreaded shopping, being restricted to one over sized speciality clothing store due to by volumous body. Every shopping jaunt would turn into emotional torture fraught with tears, anger and frustration. Not any more, I can walk into any shop and see something I like, knowing I will fit into it (just a shame I don't have any money to do that!) It really is a treat, I can be more daring and experiment with my clothes, knowing they will generally look pretty good now. I always joked with a friend that I would be buried in the clothes I used to wear; the same pair of size 24 black, shapeless trousers, a loose fittings men's XL jumper and the trusty caridgan tied around my waist to unsuccessfuly disguise my spare tyre and large backside. Anyone would be forgiven for thinking Groundhog Day if they saw me two days in a row. I sound a bit self depricating and don't want to, I know the reasons why I dressed like that, why I cried tears of frustration when I stood looking at the rails of larger ladies clothes, why I felt guilty every time I put something remotely unhealthy in my mouth. In laters blog posts I will outline more about the diet and exercise regime I followed to get to where I am today....
Another fantastic benefit to being horizontally narrower is public transport. Gone are the days when I would get on a bus, train or plane and feel sorry for whoever was sitting next to me. They say we all have a personal space limit zone that should never be breached. Unfortunately, when you are cramped into a small, confined space with a stranger and are as wide as you are tall, there are always going to space and encroachment issues. I never forget a Trans Atlantic flight I took to the USA. It was an 8 hour flight and I was sat next to this poor chap who had my chubby right arm covering his arm rest throughout the flight. I was literally wedged into my seat and, on take off, I could barely do the seat belt up so was forced to hide the fact it was not completely secure when the stewardess came around to do her checks. Ugh, how embarrassing! Now, I can sit easy in my seat and can even bring my knees up to rest on, which makes sleeping much easier. Yet another benefit of being less gravitationally challenged :)
I think I am going to leave it there for this evening but anyone who is taking the time to read through my blog, THANK YOU :) I know it is not being written in vain
L xx
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