Unwelcome observations

So my last post outlined, in a nutshell, where I met my breaking point with obesity. It is very hard to summarise what I have gone through, having lacked support from medical professionals (mainly through choice) I have fought much of this battle alone. Lorraine vs fat: ding ding!

Technically I have won the battle but will never win the war. Anatomically, it is evident that I am predisposed to weight gain and so I will always be in 'remission' in terms of the risk of gaining any significant weight back. What is important is that I have armed myself with the weapons to overcome it, the enemy is in retreat!

Nowadays I rarely talk about the old me, although she is still very much inside my head. That larger girl who struggled for so long often pipes up still, especially when she sees others suffering the way she did. There have been a few occasions since where I have been privy to weight related bullying. Whereas before I was always the target, post weight loss it has happened to people I have been in the company of. Often it is the result of a passing strangers comment, as if they have the right to make someone else feel inadequate and bad. It does culture some deep seeded anger in me. One of these occasions happened not so long ago, myself and a good friend were walking to the local pub to have a few drinks. As we nattered away to one another, minding our own business, this car pulled up along side us. The occupants were very young, barely out of nappies in comparison to us and I peered in, naively thinking they were going to ask for directions. Instead they decided to make some derogatory comments about my friends appearance, their juvenile sense of humour resulting in raucous laughter as they sped away.

We did not have a chance to retaliate, it was an 'insult and run' event although I do recall my friends middle finger was probably visible in their rear view mirror. I think we both felt terrible. I could not really vocalise how it affected me as she was the one who was licking her wounds but, inside, I almost felt like it had happened to me and all those familiar feelings returned. Had I access to a torture device at that moment, I could have dragged them out of the car... but I digress.

After a few choice and justified words from her, she was keen to not discuss it so we returned to our original conversation but I was crying inside, boy could I empathise with the anger she was probably feeling although she did not divulge.
In the past, I have lost count of the number of times I have suffered on the receiving end of some ignoramus male who feels he has the right to comment on how I look. Always men, I never recall a woman doing the same. I hasten to add that I am fully aware there are men out there who would never dream of doing such a thing, these gentleman restore my faith in the male of the species.

The times when I have been ridiculed and insulted will never leave me. I would love to say that I am bigger and better and that I can rise above it but, on the occasions it did happen, it only served in reinforcing the low opinion I had of myself. No one has the right to make another person feel bad, the people who do this are ignorant, rude, insensitive jerks. I realise men are visually stimulated creatures but this does not give anyone the right to pass comment (soap box now dismounted!)

So I think it is important to share a couple of occasions where this happened to me, the two occasions that stand out most vividly although there were plenty more to draw upon. I guess I should not go over them now as by doing so I am placing underserving emphasis on them but I think they are important in understanding how both ourselves and others understand and perceive weight issues and the impacts they have on us psychologically. Have you ever been the victim of bullying? No matter how hard you try and rise above the comments they do niggle and re play in our heads. I am sure there are people out there who immediately deal with it and move on. These days I would not take any crap, I am not sure if that is down to age and wisdom or whether I am much more confident now. Probably a bit of both.

The times I did suffer bullying are incorporated into a whole plethora of memories and experiences that have shaped the person I am today. But enough of the psycho babble.

Fat target

One incident occured in a large and pretty spa town not too far from where I live. My friend had a job interview and invited me along for moral support. I was more than happy to accompany her, we decided to make a day of it and grab some lunch and look around. Whilst my friend was in her interview, I pottered around taking a look at the shops and buying myself something to drink. At this point, I was almost at my biggest and so the walking around was limited to an area within close proximity to our meeting point post interview. An hour passed and my friend eventually re emerged, relatively unscathed from her grilling. We decided to take a wander around and make the most of the afternoon, discussing how the interview went. This particular day I was wearing my usual, unflattering combo of baggy trousers, mandatory cardigan around the waist and baggy sweat shirt. As we walked along, I clocked a couple of who were walking towards us. They must have been in their early thirties and the female was slim and attractive. I do recall that both of them were looking at me pointedly. In those days, I was acutely aware of anyone who paid me too much attention, it pricked something inside my subconscious that put me on guard. As they walked past me, I heard the male say ,'at least you don't look like that' and he proceeded to look me up and down.

Initially I felt stunned, the couple carried on walking, probably completely oblivious to the fact that I had overheard his comment. Inside I felt my heart sink, my head was spinning and I realised what he was referring to and why. Clearly his girlfriend/ friend was moaning about how overweight she felt, despite being a rake of a thing. By using me as a reference point, he had been trying to bolster her and make her feel better, pointing out how much WORSE it could get and that she needn't worry. I know, this was only an assumption I came to and I had not been privy to their whole conversation, but it did not take much figuring out. I had seen the way he had looked at me and knew what he was implying.

I felt mortally embarrased and had to take a few moment to compose myself, fighting back the tears. As we continued to walk, my friend had been blissfully unaware of the incident until I enlightened her. She was pretty angry and wanted to go and find the couple but I convinced her it was alright, I could take it.

That particular incident has always stayed with me, it seemed far worse than the usual passing comments and shouts from the idiots that would normally pipe up, 'fatty, thunder thighs, buddha, dog' plus a plethora of sound effects like raspberries and woofs. I could deal with those far better than a pointed, direct attack from 2 seemingly well to do, middle class people. In reality his comment was in poor taste and was cruel, perhaps he did not think I would over hear but I am aware that people such as that man think these things, even if they don't say them. I think we have all done it at some point or another.

Buddha

Interestingly, another upsetting and harrowing memory of weight related bullying happened when I was 16 years old. On reflection, I think this particular incdent stuck in my subconscious for many reasons and remains poignant to this day as being the single most upsetting incident where a stranger has managed to drive me to tears. Myself and a younger friend were walking up to our local newsagents . We were walking along, chatting away when we heard a wolf whistle from behind us. There were two builders working on a drive way across the road from where we were. It became immediately clear that they were aiming their amorous advances strictly towards my friend, moreso when one of them shouted ‘oi love, your mate looks like a Buddha.’ My friend just told me to keep walking and ignore them but I was mortified; I experienced almost a dizzy sensation and felt the tears stinging my eyes. Not only was I embarrassed that I was being heckled in my own neighbourhood but I was being used to make my friend feel good about herself and give her a boost. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that she would have derived any pleasure from seeing me so upset but it most certainly was nothing but a compliment toward her. We kept walking but these two imbeciles kept shouting derogatory comments at me, everything from tree trunk legs to chanting the Buddha comment like some sort of cruel mantra.

Now usually I am a calm, measured person and back then I was incredibly shy and unassuming. It took a tremendous amount for me to lose my temper in any way, although I find it easier to do so now I am older. For whatever reason, this day I was not going to tolerate this sort of harassment. I realised that I had every right to walk along that street and not have to suffer those sorts of insults. So a dark part of my personality pushed its way out, a part of me that was not going to tolerate this sort of nastiness. I turned around and marched back down the street to where these two builders stood as they looked on, bemused as to why I would be approaching them. I must admit that I let rip, profanities spilled out of my mouth and I did not let them get a word in edgeways. This was quite out of character but I felt better for releasing my pent up anger and disdain for their abuse. How dare they make me feel inadequate or self conscious. Admittedly, despite the more traumatic side to this incident, I also learnt a lot about myself and my limits of how far someone can push me before I snap. I summed up all the resolve left in me, determined not to cry and show them they had infiltrated my one weakness. My friend was at a loss for words, I resented her for being thinner but knew that it was not her fault. On our return journey from the shop we walked a different way home and, when I got back, I told my mum and brothers what had happened. The flood gates opened and I cried and cried; part humiliation and part relief to be able to share the distressing account with my family. Everyone was disgusted and a phone call was made to their superior whose number we had obtained from their work van. The two offenders were swiftly laid off by their company; fat people - 1 fat haters - 0.
So as you can see, my weight issues started a relatively young and sensitive age, an age where every girl starts to experience her body changing.

Phew ok it is Sunday morning, thanks for reading and I will no doubt be posting again later on.

L x