A funny tale of a tubby day

Phew the end of another Monday, oh joy!! I was starting to think 5pm would never roll around.

After my previous and lengthy entry (I do apologise for the epic length but I seemed to purge a very private and harrowing experience on that one) I wanted to lighten the mood a tad.
To do this, I think there needs to be some funnier, weight related moments in amongst the low points. There certainly have been some hilarious times, whether it be my impromptu and unplanned gluteus maximus moony to my boyfriends mother, the time I actually managed to blow out a tyre on a mini by simply being a passenger, roly polying down a flight of stairs after one too many sherbets (I say, to this day, my fat layer saved my life that drunken evening), sliding down another flight of stairs on my knees.

I am sure there are more but these are the highlights for me. One that really does stand out occurred whilst on holiday in Lanzarote (which is part of the Spanish Canary Islands.) Myself and my long term partner at the time decided we deserved a holiday so we book a trip to our destination. The island is very popular with tourists from the UK especially and, although small, the place has a lot to offer. Geologically it is fascinating, much of it has an igneous rock landscape of dark and hardened volcanic hills and mountains that bear the reminder of previous eruptions from the islands dormant volcanoes, solidified lava flows scar the landscape.

I must have weighed about 240 pounds at the time and had been conscious about my weight the whole time we had been there. Sarongs tended to be an effective way of shrouding my lumpy bits and I had done a pretty good job of covering up my large body, so the holiday had gone relatively hitch free up until the day we decided to join the hoards of holiday makers and take a tourist excursion. Our destination would be the Timanfaya National Park; an active volcanic area on the island. As part of our paid for tour package, we were given an all inclusive early morning camel ride, something many of the tourists do as a matter of course. I was really looking forward to it as it was something I had never tried before. I guess you don’t really consider the logistics of riding a camel beforehand, I certainly didn’t and it showed when we got there.

So we arrived at what can only be described as the camel parking area and waited patiently in line with the other tourists as the camels were prepared for take off. They are bemusing creatures that seem to display quite a stroppy attitude both to one another and humans. Perhaps they were fed up with the constant stream of tourists that poked and prodded them. They hissed and grunted, making a range of unique noises that all seemed to be reminiscent of displeasure. I didn't blame them to be honest, lugging around a bunch of overweight tourists all summer would get any living creature down.

So a morning meeting commenced and, much to my horror, our tour guide started to explain in broken English how we would need to sit on our assigned camel. Little did I know that camels have to have an even weight distribution around the hump otherwise it can throw their balance off, logical really but you don't really give it much thought in daily life. To carry the tourists, they had a double seat contraption that was placed between the humps. At the time I weighed a significant amount more than my man (probably in the region of 28 pounds) and he looked across at me, instinctively knowing that I was going to find this embarrassing. His expression spoke volumes!

It wouldn’t have been so bad if we had not been climbing on the camels one couple at a time. The other tourists looked on with quiet bemusement and trepidation as they watched others mount the animals, perhaps searching for any tips they could adopt for when their turn finally came. Some stumbled a little, a few of the older ladies looked unsteady as they climbed on and there were a few stifled but jovial giggles eminating from the onlookers. The heavier person was supposed to sit on the right hand side whilst the lighter of the two took up residence on the left.

Our fellow holidaymakers would have immediately seen that I was heavier when I climbed into the right hand seat so my man did the chivalrous thing and saved my blushes by letting me sit on the left hand side, where he should have been. I guess we hoped, in vain, that the camel wouldn’t notice the weight distribution was completely off. So the journey commenced, me, the camel and my honey all trying to conduct a balancing act that was doomed to fail. The first 10 minutes were fine, the warm up period for my living, breathing taxi. I desperately tried to push my weight against the poor creature to alleviate some of the stress on its uneven load. I tried to look like I was having a good time but the fear must have been obvious from my nervous position and fake smile. All the camels were tied together and we had a couple of local men who were guiding and making sure that all was well.

Soon enough the fun began, intiailly our camel started to lurch its head up and grunt a little. As his peers walked silently on, he started to become noisier. I would not have felt so certain it was my fault had the other camels been doing the same thing. The guide noticed and said a few words in Spanish, something probably along the lines of ‘these damn overweight westerners should go on a diet!’ I thought that perhaps our camel was thirsty or was just hollering at his buddies that he was loving this particular ride. Sadly not it seemed as our travel companion then started to make quite dramatic jolting movements with its front legs and moaned some more. I was so embarrassed and could see the other holiday makers turning around to look at what was causing the commotion. I was like being part of some absurd circus balancing act, but we were not going to defeat the laws of gravity. This continued for the rest of the trip and I was absolutely relieved to get back to the parking area and disembark. If the camel could have understood me, I would have apologised profusely and explained my selfishness was due to my weight paranoia and saving face at the expense of his poor hump. Someone took a picture of us on the camel and my expression says it all, get me off!

Funny! There is a picture of me on the camel somewhere, I will have to dig it out. That poor creature, I bet it felt like it were being punished for something!

On that considerably lighter note, I bid you adieu! I just hope someone is reading this?

L x