The mid way point of an epic challenge

I cannot claim that I was not enticed by unhealthy patterns of thought and behaviours as I continued to drop the weight. Old ghosts from weight loss past were out to haunt me but I was not going to give in, I began to exorcise them one by one. Whenever these crept up on me, I was acutely aware and battled to overcome them. I think the most acute habit that tried to infiltrate my otherwise balanced approach was the urge to restrict my food intake. I noted also that, if I had a bad day at work or just a bad day generally, this urge kicked in even
moreso. I think before, that same urge manifested itself in binges as I outlined in earlier posts and I used these as a coping mechanism. Now it had turned itself on it's head and gone to the other extreme. Luckily, whenever I felt like I may not meet my calorie intake for the day, I would consciously eat a small meal so I was bridging that deficit. This did not happen all the time but, when it did, I was finally in control of it. They say you have to make mistakes to learn, never was a truer word spoken.

As you are all probably aware, losing weight can be a rush. The more you lose, the more of a kick you get out of it. It can be an addiction all of its own. One of the crucial parts of the process is control. You have to own it and control it rather than it doing that to you. Self awareness is vital, identifying your unhealthy thought processes and dealing with them is key.

Another mistake people make is feeling like they have failed if there is a day where they are not so good. This is not a fail, this is part of the wider process and a crucial part at that. I still had days, early on especially when I binged. Not to the gargantuan degree I would before but still a binge. I admit I felt guilty and bad when it happened but the difference this time was I got back on the horse and carried on the next day, perhaps being extra specially careful to make up for it. I was also conscious that my exercise would be off setting days like that to some degree.
Letting go of the bingeing was tough, it had been my crutch for so long but I was able to sever those ties, one by one.

Short term goals

Another fantastic plan I adopted was setting myself mini goals. When your starting weight is 301 pounds, there is little point in saying 'I want to be 150 pounds in 2 years time.' It does nothing for the morale in terms of believing that it can be achieved. Instead I set 28 pound goal increments. Specific dates were not so important as I did not want to assert any undue pressure on myself but I would say, just for example 'so I want to reach 190 pounds by mid June 2006.' These short term goals were achievable in my head and far more manageable than having one, overall long term goal. Of course I had that too (the overall goal had always been 160 pounds initially, this seemed reasonable and achievable.) I chose not to place too much emphasis on it. That is one massive gauntlet to throw down! To be honest, I don't think I could go through that kind of weight loss again. It did drain me mentally, physically and
emotionally. That was most certainly a once in a lifetime achievement and massive incentive for me to never allow that kind of weight to return ever again.

Getting there

As I breached the 200 pound mark during June 2006, there was massive cause for celebration and I felt so proud of myself. My partner at the time took me out for a meal and I treated myself to some chips and a steak. The exercise was going really well at that point, I started playing badminton once a week, just to keep things interesting and I savoured the feeling of not being so self conscious as I darted around the court. I was still carrying and extra 50 pounds or so but, having already dropped over 100, it was small change in comparison.

The exercise obsession of old had been replaced by a structured plan that saw me do around an hour a day, 6 days a week. As with any exercise plan, having a day off is important so your muscles can heal and I structured this in, forcing myself to take that day off.

Body metamorphosis

After my collar bone revelation and when I started moving toward 190 pounds during July of 2006, I noticed my legs and backside was getting smaller. The junk in my trunk was being streamlined! That summer was memorable, mainly due to the fact that I was no longer the sweaty mess I had been for 5 years. I still sweated but no where near as much. Chafing was still happening a little bit on really hot days but it was no where near as severe as before. It really was a voyage of discovery for me, euphoric at times as I realised that everything was falling in to place, it felt right this time. A far more relaxed, natural process. I was brimming with confidence and knew anything was possible.

Tough days still plagued me but I was well equipped to deal with them, having done things sensibly. They became fewer and farther between and the body was definitely settling into the new lifestyle. Along with my Friday take away treat, I allowed myself the odd can of coke or chocolate bar. I am a bit of a candy fiend and so it was really nice to indulge this passion once in a while without feeling the need to buy a whole multi pack and wolf it down in one sitting.

Terminal damage

My long term partner continued to support me, although our relationship had been put under a lot of strain. I had to be fixated by getting the weight off, focus and hard work were the only option which is why I achieved what I did. There was fallout, I openly admit that my relationship was one thing that suffered. That's not to say there were obvious cracks in the veneer anyway, I guess my weight loss goals exacerbated those cracks.
But, despite the fact I rarely talk to my ex partner now, I am eternally grateful to him for the unwavering support he gave me. When we first started dating back in 1999 I was a smaller 140 pounds and, from the moment we met, we found a common love of food. I think it was how we bonded initially. I remember we used to have cheese fondues once a week (the epitomy of cholesterol heaven) and meals out at various country pubs.
I think we all know that, once the honeymoon period of a new relationship is over, it seems very common that one or both people in the relationship will gain weight. We get comfortable, we are no longer on the market and trying to attract a mate so feel less pressure to look a certain way (although this is my own reasoning as to why this happens.) He saw me go from a spritely, energetic girl to a morbidly obese, sad one. Not once did he berate me for my size, he said he would love me, even if I got so big the fire brigade had to knock the walls of the flat down to get me out. (This was always said with a wry smile ;) )
Too many times I have heard of women whose partners/ husbands pass judgement and comments about their weight. These men are ignorant and insensitive. Enough said about that.

Next time I will continue to describe the final stage of my main weight loss, sub 190 pounds.

It is 04:00 and I am awake, I must get some sleep. Brain disengage!

Rainy xxx