It is Saturday evening and I am having a nice, relaxing weekend. On the back of that I am in the mood to write so this totals my third entry today!
Since I decided to start writing this blog, I have given much thought to the range of emotions and experiences I went through as I lost the weight. I have had to dig deep a couple of times and tap into the head space I was in back then. I think it is logical to outline what the catalyst was for me finally deciding I needed to commit and get myself on that long road to recovery. As I have outlined before, I topped the scales at 301 pounds (over 21 stones or 136 kg's) back in 2005 but I cannot remember exactly how long I was at that weight for, it must have been barely 6 months as I had stayed pretty steady at 260 pounds (18 stone 7) for a few years. By the time I had reached the dizzy heights of 301, I knew it had to stop. I don't know whether you have noticed this yourself but the heavier you get, the easier it seems to be to gain more weight on top. It is almost as if your body goes into free fall. It took only 6 weeks for me to rocket from 260 pounds to 301.
I don't recall there being an epiphany in terms of why I finally resolved myself to losing weight. I think it was more a case of there being a series of incidents in quick succession that shocked me into taking my head out of the trough and facing up to the fact I was morbidly obese. With a BMI of 47 I was edging ever closer to diabetes and a whole range of more serious obesity related health issues. At that stage I already had high blood pressure, swollen knees, hip pains and poor posture. I had already experienced a few false starts before that where I had managed to lose a few pounds but these attempts had always resulted in me giving up and gaining back the weight.
So these small but notable incidents I mentioned a moment ago, incidents that brought into sharp focus not only my flailing health but my inability to cope living as a fat person any longer. Sometimes shock tactics work and the following occasions certainly shocked me into finally addressing the one issue that was sinking me deeper into depression.
I want to outline of these occassions in more detail. I have heard many a heavier woman say that they have often been mistaken for being in the latter stages of pregnancy. I too experienced this as a result of a hospital visit.
Are you pregnant?
As I have mentioned throughout my initial posts, I suffered from terribly sore knees when I carried the extra pounds. The ‘specialist’ attributed this mainly to the weight and the fact that my enormous bulk was literally collapsing my knees from under me. Of course he did not word it like that and instead came up with some diagnosis that I most likely had a condition that means my joints are hyper mobile (too large a range of movement). Arthritic type pain had troubled me for 5 years at the point and there seemed to be no end in sight, although I knew what I had to do to remedy the problem long term. I had been warned by the doctor that, if I did not lose weight, he would not treat me for my knee pain as most of the symptoms were considered to be self induced. I can recall feeling so low after that appointment. I also felt a tremendous amount of shame that this doctor had told me that he was not prepared to help me as it was MY fault that I was this large blob with buckling knees. As if this was not bad enough, there was a badly timed incident that sunk me into a deeper depression that day. As I was walking out of the hospital post appointment, I became lost in the labyrinth of empty, sterile smelling corridors; what would it take to find an exit! Eventually I happened across the pre natal unit and a rather prim looking lady with a clipboard and identity badge approached me and asked ‘oh are you here for the pre natal?’ At first it did not twig with me what she meant. I replied, ‘No! I am trying to find an exit’. I was certainly not 'with child'. She suddenly became all apologetic and turned a deep shade of crimson. It was then that it hit me like a freight train and I realised what she had insinuated, she had taken one look at me and assumed I was a heavily pregnant woman! I joined her in turning a deeper shade of crimson. She tried desperately hard to smooth over her misdemeanour. I eased her conscious with a few reassuring ‘I’m ok, that was funny..I can take it’ type quips, laughed it off and made a quick exit, feeling like someone had trodden me into the ground.
A few weeks passed before another incident occurred that shook me to my core. The day I am referring to was as low as I could go in terms of depression about my weight. It was July 2005 and, after a horribly stressful family event, I had ballooned to my highest weight ever of 301 pounds. I had got home from work one evening and was climbing the 4 sets of stairs up to our fourth floor flat. When I reached the top of the second set I became very dizzy and had to steady myself by reaching for the wall. I could feel my heart pounding hard in my chest and sweat was running down my face. I waited 5 minutes before continuing up to the flat, where I threw myself on the bed and tried to get my breath back. Before, I had experienced few problems with this climb and it was one I had been doing for a few years and now I felt like I was on the verge of cardiac arrest. I recall feeling really angry with myself, how could I let myself get in such a state physically? Where had all this weight come from? I felt like a huge lump of fat and was tired of lugging it around everywhere with me, I was tired of BEING me. I was in the throws of feeling sorry for myself and had a little cry. Food had become my master and I had become a slave to it, sacrificing my body for that quick fix of energy and finding that solice in bingeing privately.
Mentally I was destroyed and this really was ‘the’ moment when I made the decision to lose weight, this time for good. I made a pact with myself that I was going to look and feel good again. I was fed up with being tired, withdrawn, moody and tempremental about something that I had done to myself. No one else was at fault. Something clicked in my head. The next day I rode my bike down the sea front and joined the gym in town. I felt a huge sense of relief and excitement at the prospect of losing weight. I remember the journey was tough, despite it being flat I struggled with the mile long route and could only do 10 or so minutes of treadmill walking at the gym. Joining was daunting, I was terrified that the staff would look at me and think awful things. When I got on the treadmill there were a couple of other people using the equipment. I kept my head down and just got on with it, avoiding my reflection at all costs. There were full length mirrors in front of the equipment but I continued to avert my eyes away from them. My gym trips continued and that weekend I spoke to my brother and had a memorable conversation about my hopes and expectations for weightloss. We worked out some realistic short term weightloss goals and he advised me on some exercises I could do. Slowly but surely exercise became a habit and I made sure I did it 4 times a week.
Initially I could only manage half an hour of treadmill walking, rowing and cycling. The pounds started to come off me and I did lose quite a significant amount of weight in the first few months. I began to feel so much healthier and this fuelled my desire to exercise. I gradually introduced walking into my regime and started taking 3-4 mile walks around the coast. I don’t know why but the whole process happened so easily for me. After years of yo yo weigh ins and failed dieting attempts, I found that this time around I had a new focus. I wanted to get fit and healthy, I wanted to enjoy exercise. Any weightloss as a result would be a bonus for me. Shifting the emphasis away from my body image and how I would look at the end of it really redefined the goalposts and helped me refocus my attention elsewhere. Had I just dieted the weight off, I would not have lost much compared to the success I have had. This important change in my attitude set me in good stead for success. I did allow myself a few treats here and there. Whether it be a takeaway, some sweets biscuits or chocolate I did not totally deprive myself of the foods that had done all the damage in the first place. I think this really helped as I did not feel like I was completely deprived of any enjoyment from the process. I was off setting any extra calories with the exercise and so I got the best of both worlds.
I realised that I was on a long journey and one that would not ensure success. I set myself short term weight goals to reach, rather than giving myself one main goal that seemed such a long way off. I mostly set my ‘mini’ goals in 28 pound increments, each one being a benchmark for the next. I don’t want to make this sound as if it were easy or a walk in the park as it hasn’t been. There have been numerous times where I have wanted to jack it in, there have been times when I have binged and there have been times when I have wailed and cried through exhaustion, frustration and sheer determination. It is probably the toughest thing I am ever going to have to go through, both physically and mentally. I can look back now and still remember the fat girl that wore the same clothes, hid behind other people and made life hard for herself. If I ever needed any motivation to dig deep, these were the times when I would look back at that girl. I am proud that I have lost weight the natural way.
The body I am in ownership now is far removed from the fat laden physique of 2005. I still catch my reflection in windows, mirrors and have to do a double take. No doubt this will continue through my life but I know that I will never ever allow myself to go back to that space I was in before. I felt trapped in a cocoon of blubber, blubber that could have killed me had I not taken the steps to change my life.
I don't want to sound like I am lecturing or pushing my success on anyone, I know how hard weight loss is and I know what it feels like to be that fat girl with no confidence. I would never suggest that all people with weight issues would feel the way I did, there are people out there who are perfectly happy with carrying some extra weight and I admire them greatly. It was not right for me, I was not happy and I did not want to remain that way. I want to inspire people who have set themselves weightloss goals, those people who do want to get fit and change their lifestyle.
In future posts I will outline some more of the times that fat really impacted me, I do hope I have not written too much here. When I have something to put out there, I certainly go full force!
L x
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